Road to sobriety, 30 days sober, YAY ME! -clap, clap, clap, clap ,clap-

          So as of today I am 30 days sober from Mary Jane. She is not my lover...anymore. For the longest time I thought I'd never be able to quit and while the idea of not smoking scared the shit out of me it was something I needed and had to do. Unfortunately it took me fucking up big time and getting a DWI to do so, but I'm glad that I have done it. I came across MTV's true life I'm Addicted to Marijuana last night and was frustrated to see how big of a deal they made quitting sound. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD! It really is. The addiction is mostly mental, slightly physically in the sense that your body does change because it has to get used to life with out being high. While I was smoking I came to the realization that weed had gotten me this point. I knew it had taken my life off the course I'd planned. My mom told me, my grandmother told me, my therapists told me, t'v told me, my mentors told me but even without there harsh and caring words I was living proof of myself and I hated it. I actually looked forward to probation because I knew I wouldn't smoke. I'm not saying weed is the devil. Every decision I made was mine own, but smoking weed definitely had a role to play in those decisions.

          I started smoking weed the summer I graduated high school, at first it was here and there. I became a heavy smoker in college. I did not smoke in high school, nor did I drink or smoke cigarettes. My brother did and I condemned him for it cause at the time all the kids who smoked, cut school and were trouble makers and in my eye no futured losers. When I really tried it for the first time and got high, was with my first bf. So it obvious why I tried it in the first place. I wanted to be cool and for him and his friend to like me, but thats not all. I really and truly was bored with being the goody two shoes I was and I wanted to know what all the fucking hype was about? So I smoked, got high and it was amazing. In college I was the occasional smoker, once a day, not every day, a few times a week, maybe just on the weekend. I had some really good friends there who didn't smoke but the kids who did smoke seemed well...cooler. They were more what I was looking for in terms of this change I wanted. Unlike the kids from high school they were in college and doing things with their lives but still smoked. I already had the influence of my grandmother who smokes everyday. This coupled with these kids unleashed something I sometimes wish never was. So eventually I started smoking once a day, then every day, then twice a day, before class, then cigarettes, after class, 3 times a day, 4 times. Then I started dealing and all of this lead to financial problems. I figured I'm in school, on scholarship. I don't need to buy food, don't need to go anywhere so what ever little money I made, no biggie if I used it on pot. WRONG, I was neglecting things I may have needed to pay for..denial, straight fucking denial. When mommy and grams stopped sending me money I started selling. I won't even go into that, I still owe people money....

          So from weed I made some really good friends, but I also lost some and thinking back on that I do regret it. I do wish they could have been less judgmental, but they were right in their own ways. Along with the smoking came the drinking, which for half of my college career was horrible. I mean just about every day I think we drank. I don't know how I kept myself together living as recklessly as I did. Eventually I moved on to ecstasy which for a while got bad. I think I was rolling every fucking weekend of the summer. I started selling that and ended up getting robbed of my product. Thank god, due to certain circumstance I didn't put any actually money into that. I did count my chickens before they hatched and fucked up my credit because I used money I thought I was gonna get back. It was after that when I first said to myself. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

          Ecstasy has become a thing of the past a dark past, but Mary was still there for me in all her green glory. I thought about it just about every time I smoked. I need to stop, I want to stop but I can't. I felt like I couldn't eat, I could't sleep, I couldn't go out with my friends and have fun unless I was high. I mean there were sometimes it benefited me. Like the year I fell into a deep depression because I couldn't find work. It was the first time in life I had trouble finding work, 2008, start of the "depression". I had my mom up my ass. I fucked up my grades first year of college and just felt bad about myself. I didn't like the way I looked and just hated life. So that coupled with my anxiety through me into a weird subconscious bulimic/anorexic fit. I couldn't eat if I wasn't high and if I tried not matter what I'd throw it back up. I lost about 30-40 pounds that I've gained back since being out of school. I was very active and played ultimate frisbee which is very active and demanding of the body. Since 2001 I've had arthritis in my right hip due to a surgery for Slipped Capital Femoral Epiphysis, SCFE for short, hip now has no cartilage and hurts like all hell. Weed helped with the pain. I wanna be holistic and do not like taking pills, I know I know, ecstasy is a pill....but you see that the mind of an addict, to come up with stupid rationales for taking your poison. The damage I did to my stomach contributed to that as well.

          Weed and other drugs, were just big distraction and I started to not feel like myself anymore. I did not like this person. I felt dirty and disgusting. Once out of school, with 8 credits left to finish my degree I began to wonder what was next. In Dec is when I got the DWI. I wasn't in despair but I knew I had some MAJOR! changes coming my way. Some I was dreading and other I was looking forward to. I found a job I liked and a side project doing what I love, writing. So with some positives my smoking became less frequent and I realized my depression, which I have been diagnosed with, was a contributing factor to my smoking. So while the depression fed the smoking, the smoking fed the depression and it was a self destructive cycle. Then I met Paul who made me happy as all hell and it became even less. Thats when I really began to believe I did not need it. I smoked a lot still but not every three hours like I was. I mean seriously I had smoked every day for over 3 years. I actually forgot what it was like to be sober. I knew with out smoking I'd have to face my demons, my anger. I'd have to find ways to deal with my physical pain and i'd have to find ways to handle social situations.


          So probation started. I thought I could cheat the system. Spent 80 dollars on two cleansing drinks, around 40 on test kits, creatin, b-12 supplements and tried all this shit thinking I was a fucking G. WRONG, the shit did not work and I'm lucky I was labeled by my P.O as a good kid and had a bunch of positives in my life. Cause he could have violated my stupid ass and I would be blogging from a cell. After that meeting which at the time I had gotten pulled over driving with no licenses (to work unfortunately) and had violated probation. My P.O thought for sure I was going to jail. Paul watched my cry on the way home. I felt like I let every body down and had ruined my life. Again it wasn't weed that I got in trouble for but it was definitely the start. Why do I say that because if you smoke like I did, you are always high, your head is never clear and you don't make the good decisions. Fuck the pot heads who will read this and say I'm stupid or wrong. NO, you stop smoking for 30 days and see how clear you mind becomes. But still after that meeting I went home and drowned my sorrows in a blunt. For my last weeks before court I smoked, it wasn't as frequent but I knew this was the end. And once that court date came I had to prepare myself. I got a good lawyer and turns out the judge liked me this is what he said :
                              "I'm very disappointed to see you here again especially because it wasn't so long ago that you were here, but you have presented yourself in a respectful manner every time you appeared before me. You have many positive thing going on in your life. Your working and trying to finish school. So today I'm not going to send you to jail because I have faith  in you. Travis you do not have to let this define you. I believe you can do it. You are better than this."

          I can't tell you how shocked I was. It had been a long time since I had someone tell me they believed in me. And for a long time I stopped believing in myself. I knew right then and there I was going to change my life for the better. On top of the DWI I had 18 other tickets which he dropped and my probation was extended  from 1yr to 3. My P.O was surprised as well as my lawyer. When he read all those counts after his words and said he was dropping them, the entire court room gasped and got into a bit of an uproar. He actually had to call order. I felt blessed.

          So began my journey to sobriety. The first two weeks were the hardest. I didn't have an appetite and had a ton of anxiety sleeping. But with time I actually gained more of an appetite and eat regularly now. By smoking before eating I tricked my body into thinking I needed it to eat because that's what it was used to. Your body a a muscle, and muscles have memory.

          I sleep a hell of a lot better now too! One upside for me was getting my ability to remember dreams back. For years I stopped dreaming, thought it was because my leg pain kept me from sleeping well, WRONG. Weed keeps you from remembering dreams and also disturbs your sleep. Here's why. When smoking I found myself only able to sleep for 3-4 hrs straight at night. I thought if I smoked before bed it helped. No, no. When you smoke before sleeping and go to bed high, while your sleeping you mind goes from a high state to a not high state. High's only last 3 hrs hence waking up 3 hrs after sleeping. So again, it was a self destructive cycle. While I still have the leg pain, it bothers me less when sleeping cause I'm actually sleeping. And because I move less I'm actually allowing it and my body to rest. And I must say I have some pretty interesting dreams and look forward to sleeping because I dream.

          Also I just feel clearer and happier. Food tastes good. I can actually remember what I was just talking about 3 seconds ago. I pay attention to what I'm watching instead of rolling the joint. I write with a purpose and I can just function. I used to K-2 to ween myself but now I don't even smoke that. I still get some anxiety going out thinking i'll be bored, but that's in my head cause I go out and have a great time. Another thing that's changed is my drinking habit. I used to have a beer, a glass of wine or a glass of liquor every night. Now I drink only when I go out or for occasion. I may get a bottle of wine for me and Paul if its one of those weekends we just wanna stay in a cuddle and I don't drink as much as I used to when i do go out. I have my self control and my will power back. I was scared I'd lost those things. I'm still dealing with other habits, but I now know I can do it. Not smoking weed has made me feel like an actual adult. I'm not promising I will never smoke again, but I know if I do choose to once I'm done with probation, that I will not let it control my life. I've always said anything is fine in moderation, but I now know what moderation is.